[SCENE: The GARAGE. OWNER stares fitfully at his PROJECT. Actor playing
OWNER should strive for a look of hopeful remorse. OWNER is clutching a
bottle of Jim Beam.]
[The GHOST OF WILLIAM LYONS enters]
OWNER: Get the ^%$&%^!! outa here!
[The GHOST leaves]
OWNER: Alas, poor E, where hast thoust spirit gone? Does even a single ember
of life burn bright within yon cast iron walls?
OWNER: Fine, I’ll drop the pseudo-Shakespearean horsepuckey. So let us
discuss more of what we have discovered.
One, your “new” starter is bad. Of course, the new starter looks like
it spent some time in a salt mine, so one shouldn’t be surprised. Eh?
OWNER: Two, the relay is a rusty mess, which, upon closer inspection, has
“made in USA” on it. Hmmmm.
Three, the carbs are frozen shut, or at least one is. I have not seen
this on a British car before. Anything to say?
OWNER: Four, where are your horns? Surely you didn’t show up without them?
Five, congratulations on the new, later model radiator…but why
bailing wire wrapped around a suspension mount to hold one of the hoses on?
And wouldn’t you have rather kept the original unit?
Six, your score sheet reflects a bad electrical attitude. Sure, the
wiper motor works, but what’s up with the heater fan, fuel pump, interior
lights, turn signals, and the like?
OWNER: Seven, have you seen the sheer amount of fluid on your underside?
Control problems are one thing, but this looks calculated to me!
OWNER: Fine, let’s talk about your body, which at first seems alluring and
voluptuous, but that’s mostly show, eh? First one, and now both sills are
rusted through at the back, in the wheel wells! There appear to be patch
panels on both sides, as well, and the owner’s side sill is full of Bondo!
Admittedly, in your defense, the boot floor and cockpit floors seem OK,
or at least able to survive the dipping process…unless you’re not telling
me about the owner’s side floor’s secret life as a traitor in the battle
against Tin Worm!
OWNER: Well, we’re going to have the local body guru come out and take a
look this next week. What do you think he is going to say? Perhaps one of
the members the List can tell me what they spent on body and paint work to
give me a gauge.
OWNER: You know you we’re theoretically a driver, don’t you? Well?
[OWNER returns to his contemplation. The Jim Beam is nearly gone. PROJECT
looks much like it did.]
–END SCENE 45–