They are a great car and a joy when sorted. There is no black magic, same technology as any car of the period. Parts are cheap, and readily available (Rock Auto). To run, you need fuel, ignition, and compression- all at the right time. Jaguar V12 is simpler in that respect then some because of batch-fired injectors. Think of it as 1 1/2 Z28 Camaros of the same vintage.
Find a local vocational school with an automotive curriculum; they usually will take a project on for the cost of parts. If not the instructors will have techs/former students to recommend. Last resort, enroll in a night course to learn more theory.
Stop at any car shows you see and ask around; go to the local Jaguar dealer with a couple dozen bagel or donuts (or pizzas at lunchtime) and pick their brains for ideas or a shop that will diagnose it.
Think outside the box…
I’m confused. I thought it cranks but doesn’t start.
Hey!
Bubbles - that was a sarcasm, not diss!
We all driving this funky crap… Making fun out of you would be like spitting in the mirror.
Bring the car to UK and I’ll make it work in no time.
I was close to torch mine - twice, hence know that this method is good to recommned…
If I knew what I know now (re: owning a Jag also requires ownership of a fully-equipped workshop, inc. inside car lift) I would probably have never started buying/owning them. 
A simple statement, at the end of your post, would have gone a looooong way to make the point.
I have been warned about US sense of humour long long time ago, in the darkest past. Guessing some things will never change…
I found out the other day they actually stickered my non-running, Tibbes key lost, '00 XJ8 (“Harlem”) last week in the parking lot of the other apt. complex across from my fence, where I had her stashed for the time being. My former infamous, ex-roommate, tech bud mentioned on here is the one who noticed two days ago upon hearing a tow truck drive up in her vicinity, ran out and stopped him before hookup. He told me he actually paid a friend with a tow truck $60 out of his pocket to come and get her and stash her in another apt. complex lot, following that close call.
My question to him: WHY? He should have just let her be towed off into infinity, leaving me mercifully unaware of her final fate, as I have let happen with two other Jags of mine before (and once, almost Superblue 
) in the past (both XJ40s) … 
I figured out long ago Jags are meant to be “disposable” vehicles … at some point they just (should) fade away …
It’s not that: the written word, without the benefit of tone and lack of facial cues, falls flat without the use of emojis, or declarative sentences, indicating humor.
I’ve got as biting a sense of humor as anyone, but 25+ years of posting on the Interwebz has taught me that.
Well I’m UK born and resident in NZ and I certainly didn’t pick up on any hint of sarcasm.
Wiggles, NOT HELPFUL.
I was indicating the best method of solving the problem.
I have done fishbone diagram and 5-whys for Bubbles. The most accurate corrcective action appeared as Molotov + lighter, preventive action will then originate from insurance claim and placement on the suspect list/policy price increase which in consequence - will enforce Bubbles to buy Kia Forte.
Problem solved.
Advocating insurance fraud, even in jest, is probably NOT the best thing to do on a public forum Janusz, perhaps you should think twice before typing?
Perhaps this is a stupid question, but it seems important.
What is currently wrong with your car?
If you can, I’d let the car sit a few weeks and not think about it, its way too easy to get obsessed with trying to fix these beasts. But because they are so difficult, that’s what makes them so special! You admitted what a pleasure they are to drive. An added benefit, knowing that you are driving one of the most avoided cars, and its still driving because of you.
It will run again …it will be a joy when you figure it out.
I think that sort of goes back to my original post. Take some time to cool down and step away before coming to a drastic conclusion and or solution. But let’s be honest, these cars are not for everybody and will test your skill set and patience. This is probably why I have my car today as the previous owner threw in the towel after neglecting some maintenance and tired of throwing money at it after the Jaguar dealership kept bending him over. I do see the humour side of what one of the previous posters was saying but I think at this time, Bubbles has hit the wall and just wants to auction the beast off. Maybe it is time for someone else to take this on as a project car.
I do my own maintenance, and have been maintaining two 97 Volvos for 15 years. My joke was, they are so dependable and easy to work on, that i needed a real challenge. So i bought a non-running XJS V12!
Let me tell you, i was sure challenged! I sometimes look back at my thread “at a wall” in late 2018/early 2019 and can’t believe how far i have come. Feels good. And all because of this forum’s knowledge and support, and Kirby’s book.
I say, like Winston Churchill, never surrender!
Fraud. Arson !!!
Ouch
At this point in my life, I cannot remember how many cars I have bought from others that were labeled as ‘hopeless’, as the owners did not have the patience, skills or money to throw at them. Many were valuable or collector type iron, and some did take considerable time and effort to make them run again. It is a hobby, first and foremost, and most of these cars should never be considered ‘daily drivers’ unless new, and even that is no guarantee. Like management problems, the first thing to do is ‘nothing’, to walk away, cool down, consider all the alternatives, and take your time deciding what to do. Sitting there; they don’t eat much.
At at the end of the day you would still have a pretty cool 4000 lb. paper weight!
Apologies Bubbles Sister, I know all this banter does not help or is not very constructive for your dilemma or situation.
I think if you want a car as a driver or as a hobby car are two different things.
I sometimes wish halfway through my journey I had started out with an MG Midget or something. But all I could see was V-12 at the time and couldn’t see myself ever owning a Jaguar without one.
But in retrospect I was probably one with Castrol GTX in my blood when I was born and wanted a Jaguar ever since I was four years old since my grandmother gave me a Corgi toy of a MK II Jaguar. The rest as they say is history. I always believe in the words of Clint Eastwood, “A man (or woman in this case) needs to know their limitations!”.
If Graff Vo-Tech is still there (assuming you are anywhere near Springfield, home of my alma mater), they do have a large auto tech program and I remember them taking on “volunteer” vehicles (guinea pigs? 
) for their students to work on. 
