In reply to a message from kweimer sent Fri 19 Dec 2003:
A ‘‘Haynes Manual’’ to English Dictionary
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a
hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you
start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a
gearbox.
Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…
Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: PINGGGG - ‘‘Where the hell did that go?’’
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK - that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good
pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat
repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn’t broken, it’s about to be. We warned.
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this… so how did you manage to
f*** it up?
Haynes: Two-spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is
a low, teensy weensy number… but you also thought the wiring
diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground.
Haynes: Three-spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won’t need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four-spanner rating.
Translation: You’re not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five-spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don’t ever carry your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it,
throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a
hammer…
Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you
are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your
wife ‘‘Yep, as I thought, it’s going to need a new one’’
Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…
Haynes: Using a suitable drift…
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don’t bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with
hammer.–
The original message included these comments:
You can do it yourself. Limited experience becomes more experience the more
you get into working on your own car. Make a mistake here and there and
learn something. You can change fluids, belts, hoses, ignition (wires,
distributor cap, etc), brake pads, rotors, etc and save big bucks. You may
not be ready to get into replacing cylinder heads or cylinder head gaskets
just yet, but the more you do yourself, the more experience you will have
followed by more confidence.
My vote is for you to ‘‘take it on and save big bucks’’.
Ken
–
kevinm
London, United Kingdom
–Posted using Jag-lovers JagFORUM [forums.jag-lovers.org]–
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